hm. long time no write, eh? eh.
so. yeah. no cheesecake for thanksgiving. i can't sleep. its damn near 3 a.m (& i must be lonely!) i should be watching x-files, but even fox & dana aren't appealing to me right now. i'm stuck in knights of the old republic. ummm. i hae enough peanut thai noodles to last me about 2 weeks. i hope.
lily's started trying to sit up. she's freaking cute. but. she toothlessly bites you. & clings to anything her little hand will wrap around. not to mention the never too often laughing out loud that always brings a smile to my face. i have a beautiful little girl.
& a bunch of stupid ass cats that are annoying me right now. shawty ... STOP IT!
i like tonya. yep. like, love. she's my new adopted best friend. who am i kidding ...? it changes daily.
we have a trailer. it's being painted right now. then new carpet. then electricity & our belongings & ... we're on our own. i personally can't wait, but i think i'm the only one.
i'm not engaged anymore. jesse's idea - not mine. who woulda thunk that, huh? i always thought i was the committmentaphobe. that's spelled terribly, but ah well ... yeah. i'm mucho disappointed, because well, i'm madly in love with the boy & devoted to him already with every centimeter of my mind & body. i'd be more than willing to stand before god & man & confess my undying love for him & MEAN it, but ... it isn't what he wants right now, so i can wait. the marriage isn't THAT big of a deal to me ... it's the fact that he doesn't trust me enough to go through with it. because i trust him & well, now i just feel like a dumb douche waiting around to eventually be dumped or cheated on. or being used. or something. it just gives me an uneasy feeling, you know? but, i'm gritting my teeth & admitting defeat for once. for one of the few times in my life, i'm having to accept someone else's decision about something &, quite honestly, i don't like it.
so, if you don't understand why, i'm borderline nutso. nothing really that i can do about it, but keep taking my medicine & smiling instead stabbing people. & god knows i really do want to stab some people. cigarettes help, too. so does cold coffee. & my pretty baby girl's smile. & of course, those few kisses me & jesse get to sneak in or the snuggles i never have time for. there just aren't enough hours in the day, i say. someone should address that to whoever controls the whole time-space continuem thing.
straaaange things are happening to me. ain't no doubt about it. strange tha-i-a-ngs.
it's in toy story. you figure it out. & for the record, toy story might be one of my favorite movies. yep. definitely top 10. | 
